Not every case of parental estrangement is based on what I am addressing in this article. There are many different scenarios. Some cases involve issues that parents need to be willing to look at and make changes in their own behaviors and how they relate to their adult child. Parents also benefit from listening to and showing empathy for the feelings of their adult child without resorting to defensiveness or accusatory language. The following situation is just one of many, and once realized, it can be corrected by taking steps toward understanding and reconciliation:

If you are busy, let’s say very busy, and you are caught up in your own life to the extent that calling or visiting your aging parents feels like an unwanted burden, you may not be alone. This seems to be a trend in modern society. People are more self-centered these days. They are into their own stuff, whatever that “stuff” may be—career, sports, fitness, friends, social events, and their own nuclear family unit. None of it bad, for the most part, but modern day life isn’t as balanced as it once was.

Maybe your parents were useful to you at one time, babysitting your children when they were young, or taking them on trips and vacations so you could have couple time. Perhaps there was a time in the early days when you needed their financial support. Maybe you cherished family holidays that included them. But things have changed. Your kids are older. You are more socially connected now, and certainly more financially independent. Maybe your spouse now prefers spending time with his or her own family instead of yours.

Your parents used to fit in with you, a piece of the puzzle that made up family. But somehow their presence doesn’t seem as important now. Their absence doesn’t make a difference in your full and satisfying life. So where does this leave them as they age? Have you considered this? Have you considered them?

If this describes you, all I ask is that you acknowledge it to yourself instead of resorting to cutting them out of your life. I ask that you own it instead of putting the unnecessary and unbearable burden of adult child parental cut off on them. Especially now, when their stage of life should be about peace, respect, and joy….about growing old gracefully and maintaining their dignity.

They have lived their lives, grown up in families that required more of them than young people today could ever imagine. They have made their own mistakes and learned from them. They have married, raised their children, had careers, loved and enjoyed their grandchildren, grieved the loss of spouses and friends, dealt with their aging bodies and health issues, and adjusted to retirement. Their lives are contracting, rather than expanding during this season. They now enjoy the simple things in life, a sunset, a walk….a phone call from their adult child….a text from a grandchild….a visit….being included in family holidays.

They still love their families. They are still proud of their adult children and their grandchildren. They have nothing to gain from staying connected, other than loving you. Even when they don’t cross your mind for periods of time, they are thinking of you and praying for you every day. And when they pass on and move to Heaven, they will take their love for you with them.

So instead of going back and shining a spotlight on any mistakes they may have made in their lifetimes and holding a grudge against them, how about just calling it what it is and leaving it at that? You are busy, very busy….and don’t have time to invest in nurturing a meaningful connection with them. Your life is exciting….and theirs no longer seems to be. You don’t need anything from them….so, in our transactional society, nothing is required in return.

This can be fixed with a little intentional and consistent reaching out. They don’t want to swallow up your life. They don’t have the energy for that. They just want to stay connected to those they love and feel loved and valued as well.